iAsa

While her husband is out screwing women to help pay the bills, Asa and I are standing in line to get her new Apple Iphone which means hanging out with the world’s 2nd* most popular porn star allows me to level up my self esteem so its a win win situation for everyone. As we walk by the line, Asa is impressed by the people who brought their own chairs but not so much by the people who did not preorder the phone - why would you not preorder the phone?  I have no answer but I can say that waiting for a couple of hours is a telescope into the weird as I’ve done it a lot weather its waiting for an autograph of Pamela Anderson in her prime, Kobe Bryant as a rookie or just to get a card that allowed me free chicken wings once a week for a year. Waiting for crap, things like this always happens weather I’m with Asa or my friends.

- Not exactly sure why random people started standing in front of us when its obvious we’re at the front of the line and not the rear. Yes, everyone is facing one direction, that would be the front. The rear of someone’s ass would be the rear of the line. Its not rocket science.

- Asa thinks she sees a celebrity sitting in a chair waiting - you know “the guy that plays the boyfriend to Aubrey Plaza in Parks & Recreation”. Oh, you mean Chris Pratt, the actor in the biggest movie of the summer, “Guardians of the Galaxy”? That guy? Because sure, he would just be sitting by himself in the middle of a line of 200 people with no one asking for his autograph or photo. She’s very sure its him so we make a bet. She loses so now she has to eat a huge hamburger which was way better than me getting a make up make over from her. She’s into putting make up on dudes for some weird reason. 

- Some lady tries to cut into the gap of the line. The old man wearing a bicycle helmet in front of her won’t say shit so we have to yell at her. Also, everyone’s wearing lanyards and wristbands that they passed out earlier which I guess she conveniently did not notice.

- The middle age dude in front of us starts talking to Asa which is fine. But must he wear a faded green tight tank top with his nipples poking through and black biker shorts that show off the squishy shape of his penis. He’s not even in shape so I cannot hide my disdain for his choice in clothing.

- 2 hours later, we finally get inside the Apple store. Asa squeals with excitement which has a higher pitch than her porn clips where her moans are lower and more gravely. Wonder which one is more sincere. She also immediately takes selfies which she doesn’t have to do on set since someone else is always pointing the camera on her.

- As we leave, she waves bye to some fans of her that are still waiting in line. We walk around the mall looking for an eye glass boutique. We keep passing by the same fans. Is she doing the Bobby Lee and walking the mall track to get another round of adulation and waves? But who cares, she buys me a truffle apple pie chocolate from See’s candy, everyone is mother fucking happy.

* Sorry Asa, I just assume that the number one porn star is some weird tiny Chinese lady with her hair in curls that a billion men with slanted eyes are jerking off in their tiny apartment.