As I travel with Asa to Seattle for our second trip out of town, I find myself being enveloped by her strange world of feature dancing and behavior of the people around her. I don’t know whats real and everyone is weird. This is just fucking awesome.
. Note to Asa. You’re tired. You just flew in from a busy schedule in New York and now we off for Seattle the following day. We’re talking music and you say you’ve never heard of Thrift Shop from Macklemore and shuts me out. Ok, I don’t wanna say anything but do you think I just pull music out of my ass for our conversation enjoyment, Macklemore was born and raised in Seattle (yes, the same city you’re dancing at) and the city loves this guy. You have Justin Bieber on your play list but not the gay activist and funny how you heard of him when our driver mentions him 2 hours later.
. Note to Asa. I give you props for turning it on like a 12 year old pervert who just hit puberty. You weren’t your normal chatty self on the plane but when the meet and greet time came later that night, and there’s a long line, you were all smiles and graciousness. Buuut, I know you better than that. I know when you’re being sincere and when you give your 4 “hahaha’s” in high pitch cadence as in “ha ha ha ha”, that’s just you being polite to the unfunny joke some fan just dropped. I know because I’ve said inane stuff and you’ve given me 4 ha’s when I know the joke didn’t even deserve a polite chuckle. I hear the fans say their crap and I hear the 4 laughs all night long. Go ahead people, count them the next time you think you say something funny to her. Or don’t count them so you go away thinking you’re Aziz Ansari or Louis CK.
. Note to Asa. When you try to give a smart answer to what may or may not be a thought provoking question, you kind of talk like Drew Barrymore where the side of your top lip inverts up. But most dudes at the strip club fall for it because they’re either drunk or too mesmerized by just having seen your boobs up close and live. I’m pretty sure that every guy just agrees to whatever a girl with bare c cups tells them.
. Note to fans, if you’re going to an event where the celebrity is advertised to appear, they’re going to charge you a fee for an autograph or photo. Its so sad to see you hide your disappointing surprise and mumble and stumble your way through an excuse to say you don’t have $40.00. She’s going to take pictures with you and one of them is topless. Conversely, I’m sure Piper Brady will sign for free if you can find her. She showed up in 2 or 3 cheap films and than quit. Remember, Asa is an AVN performer of the year and has “appeared in countless amounts of videos”.
. Note to entrepreneurs. This is a meet and greet where you get to chat a little with your favorite porn star. This is not where you have a pitch meeting trying to get Asa to promote the product you made in your basement of your mom’s house. I know, you just need one person to believe but standing in line at a strip club with a bunch of horny men and fat security guards is not where its at. Trust me. See below to see how its done.
. Note to other strippers. What part of the closed curtain and 2 chairs blocking the entrance to the private dressing room that you don’t get that we need our privacy. Don’t perpetuate the dumb stripper stereotype, use some common sense. We’re counting money yo.
. Note to other strippers. Thanks for asking if I’m Asa’s manager but in real life, managers don’t crawl on the floor to pick up rolled up cash. That job is left for production assistants or interns. Or loser boyfriends with a meth addition without a job. Asa introduces me as “friend” so I’m cool with that.
. Note to quadriplegic guy on airplane. Well played sir, well played. Pretending you have no use of your hands and feet to get some face time with Asa at the airport. You went all the way with it when you shook my hands with the fish like grip and took a wheel chair all the way to the baggage claim. You might just have a shot with Asa.
. Last note to Asa. Here’s the photo you requested to be placed on this entry so everyone can see your awesome abs. Personally, I wanted Macklemore but what do I know, I only got twenty dollars in my pocket…